Let me start off with what a Monday morning used to be like for me:

Alarm goes off after another poor night’s sleep full of guilt ridden angst. Groan. Turn off alarm. Groan again at the thought of another whole week of work. I hate that daily routine of getting ready. Roll on Friday 5pm. Get up, make coffee, feed cat. Coffee in bed to catch up on internet, stay in bed 15 mins longer than should. Rush into shower, rush around finding clean ironed clothes, rush breakfast (at least I did always eat breakfast), grab something, anything, for lunch, rush out the door. Speedwalk to work. Arrive on time.

Yip, I had the morning rush perfectly timed. But oh, the stress – no wonder I hated the routine!

Flash forward to this morning:

I woke naturally 10 mins before my alarm. Or maybe the cat woke me – she was sitting up staring in my face waiting for me to open my eyes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave me a little nudge, haha!

I got up straight away and felt great, no hangover, no negative thoughts, looking forward to the day. I love my coffee in bed in the morning, and today I had a wonderful extra ten minutes! (Which I spent reading the blog “Mrs D is Going Without”.)

I looked in the mirror and I noticed my eyes appeared brighter and whiter. Can you guess why that might be? Anybody need a clue? Possibly something to to with two days alcohol free?

I knew my eyes were sometimes dull and bloodshot, and I often put some eye drops in to disguise it. (The typical cover up of an alcohol addict – treat the symptom not the cause!) Well, I am enjoying this particular side effect and look forward to never having to use eye drops to cover up again!

The biggest challenge of today was going to the supermarket. I instructed myself to go in and out quickly, stick to my shopping list, and of course avoid the wine aisle. Going in with this resolve seemed to work. Although the wine aisle was tantalizingly close to the vegetable aisle, I didn’t even look!

That is the first time in many, many, many years that I have left a supermarket without wine in my shopping trolley! I’m slightly proud.

xx

Another zero alcohol day! It’s so nice waking up without a hangover, I notice that I spring out of bed with a bit more verve!

I had a good sleep. I did wake at midnight and 3am to go to the bathroom (this is normal for me), but back in bed there were none of the usual tortuous guilty thoughts spinning around my mind, so I went back to sleep readily each time. In fact I slept in and I was too late to go hiking!

I’m nearing the end of my last book – quit-lit, that’s all I read these days! They are so inspirational, I need more. So I went to the library, found two books, and ordered five more! Sounds like a ton of reading, but some are on hold for a couple of people so it could be a while till I receive them. It’s a popular topic!

While I was downtown I popped into my favourite store and found five tops on sale that I liked, so I bought them all! They totalled $130, which is probably around what I have saved on wine over last week or so. It is great to have something tangible for that money rather than peeing it all down the toilet!

Once home, I busied myself with normal weekend chores like laundry and housework. Around 3pm the thought of wine popped up, but I thought: NOPE, LOOK AT THAT HUGE PILE OF IRONING! So I tackled that instead. Now I don’t have to rush around on weekday mornings trying to find something to wear, instead it is all nicely ironed in my closet ready to go. I feel like a layer of stress is gone!

My ironing pile had grown so much because I just couldn’t be bothered in the evenings, especially after a couple of glasses of wine. It just goes to prove that alcohol contributes towards our daily stresses in many ways.

xx E

No wine last night – yay me!

One day at a time right!? I am going to celebrate every small success on my journey, (not with wine obviously*) this particular success is being celebrated with no hangover this morning!

Saturday is a toughie for me because there is all afternoon and evening to spend resisting the urge. A typical Saturday might be spent sleeping off a hangover, tidying up the house, spending time in the garden if it is fine, and about 3pm starting to think about a glass of wine. “it is such a lovely sunny day, let’s have a glass of wine outside in the garden…” That insidious voice again.

Yesterday I spent most of my time reading sober blogs, sober books, and writing a blog post. Yes I was totally immersed in my own sober revolution! Although my goal is to quit drinking on July 1st, I find that the more sober literature I read, the less I feel like drinking.

I did think about going to the bottle store at one stage, but I have plans to get outdoors in the morning, so knowing it would be agony with a hangover, I managed to sideline that idea.

I went to bed at 7pm with the cat, a hot chocolate and a sober book instead. It is quite helpful that it is winter here, and retiring early is an option.

Some takeaways from yesterday:

For our whole lifetime alcohol has been marketed to our subconcious minds. The implied benefits are all false. The side effects are undisclosed because they are all bad. We know what they all are – cancer, heart attack, stroke and more. Alcohol would not be legalised if it was invented today.

Wine marketing to women is prevalent. Wine o’clock! Mummy’s little helper! It’s quite sad really as years ago women did not drink as much as men, and now they do. And women themselves are embracing and promoting this culture, rather like Lenin’s useful idiots.

About wine marketing in particular, I used to be sucked into the whole wine tasting thing years ago. We’d go to wine festivals, read wine reviews, try new vintages. We’d sniff, swirl and taste as if we were some kind of wine elite. I even had a treasured credit card sized fold out pocket guide to all the wine characteristics – tobacco, oak, melon, cut grass, wet wool! I’d try to identify the aromas in the description, with varying success. I may have become a wine bore for a while! Eventually I realised it was all just a marketing ploy to sell you an expensive bottle that didn’t taste much better, so I went back to something I could afford…to drink in the quantities I needed.

So yeah, there is a lot of effort going into selling us this flavoured poison that deadens our senses. It is important to be aware of that.

xx E

*the truth is that we don’t need wine to celebrate, we’ve just been taught that we do.

In my last post (or should I say first post, as it was actually the very first post on this blog!), I mentioned Sober Mummy’s blog “Mummy was a Secret Drinker,” and how reading her story has been very inspiring to me. There is something comforting about coming across someone in the same situation as myself, not just Sober Mummy but the many commenters on her blog as well. She has shown me a path out of my downward spiral, and opened my eyes to the idea of quitting completely, rather than attempting moderation.

Well, it turns out there is a whole sober blogosphere out there! Quite a few are from the heyday of blogging but still relevant today. Many fizzled out after a few years as the blogger naturally becomes less inclined to write about their sober life, but you can still tap into them and benefit from their supportive community. One I am particularly enjoying is “Mrs D is Going Without”, who like Sober Mummy has gone on to write some books which are now high on my reading list.

I have been on a little book buying spree! Here’s what I purchased:

1. Jason Vale – Kick the Drink… Easily! This book came highly recommended by Sober Mummy.
2. Clare Pooley – The Sober Diaries. Sober Mummy’s memoir about giving up.
3. Amanda L Foster – Spirits and Sorrow. About dulling your grief with alcohol.
4. Annie Grace – This Naked Mind, Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness and Change Your Life

I have already devoured the first three, and are part way through the fourth. Time to get some more books soon! I’m finding them helpful these cold winter evenings – I just hop into bed early with my book and a hot chocolate! If you have any good quit-lit recommendations please drop me a line in the comments below!

I have also discovered a helpful website/online support community called Living Sober. There are a lot of articles and tips for living alcohol free, and a valuable members section where you can comment and chat with others anonymously. From what I can see it is very supportive. The site is created by Lotta Dann of Mrs D is Going Without fame, who incidentally has been awarded a MNZM for services to addiction advocacy – what a hero!

Me, not so much…

I drunk a bottle of wine last night. In the introduction of Annie Grace’s book she says to continue your day to day routine – even if that includes drinking – to avoid stress and a sense of deprivation while you read her book. This of course gave me license to drink, something I am regretting today. I am committed to quitting on July 1st, so better get that book finished!

xx E

The cat stirred in the darkness and woke me up. Dragging the blanket back over my shoulder, I rolled over, gradually becaming aware this wasn’t my bed. The cat circled around seeking a new nest and settled right on top of me. After all this was her bed, the sofa.

At 4am it was chilly under the light throw, so I rose to clamber into my own bed, going via the kitchen to drink some much needed water. I was so parched, how much wine did I actually have to drink? The second wine bottle was there staring at me, three quarters empty. I groaned with disbelief, stumbled in the darkness to my bed, and tried to ignore everything and go to sleep.

But I couldn’t.

“This has got to stop. I can’t go on like this, drinking one or more bottles of wine every night. I’m slowly killing myself, yet I really want to live. I don’t want to die young, I have things to to, I want to live a full, adventurous and long life. Not a life drunk on the sofa. I am so ashamed, my husband would be ashamed of me. What have I become?”

I pledge to cut back to ‘normal’ drinking levels, but there is an immediate nagging doubt in the back of my head. I’ve tried before. I’ve tried setting various rules and boundaries with my wine drinking, but can never stick with them for long. There always seems to be an excuse for a another glass of wine. “It’s the end of the working week”, “It’s wine o’clock”, “You’ve been through so much”, You deserve a reward for working so hard in the garden today, wouldn’t it be lovely to sit out on the newly mowed lawn with a glass of Chardonnay and admire your work”. You can probably guess by now it would be unlikely to be just a glass, and more likely to be the whole bottle.

Nobody knows how much I have been guzzling by myself at home. Sure, friends and family see me drink a bit when we go out (a fair bit if I am honest) but they have no idea that it continues every other night, while cooking dinner and watching the telly. Outwardly I appear successful and happy – living a normal life, getting up for work each day, going on weekend adventures. They don’t see behind the scenes. That I am still struggling with grief and drown my sorrows every evening. Am I one of those High Functioning Alcoholics? My heart begins to race at the “A” word and I promise myself that tomorrow will be different.

I am going to be honest with you – this is not the first time this has happened. There have been many nights where I have lain in the dark kicking myself for drinking so much – worrying about my health, my finances. I know I have to face up to my drinking problem eventually. Or I’ll die from it.

Recently something popped up on my Google feed – I can’t even remember what it was now – but the random article linked to a blog titled “Mummy was a Secret Drinker”. Curious, I started reading and discovered, well – myself! My drinking habits closely echoed Sober Mummy’s story, and as I read her posts I gained inspiration and hope. Maybe I can stop drinking like she did.

So, it is official – after several attempts to cut back, I am going to quit drinking completely. I haven’t stopped quite yet as I am in a research phase. I want to do this properly, with the right knowledge and coping strategies so I won’t fail. I have had four alcohol free days this week which is massive progress in the right direction. I am ploughing my way through some incredible books and have learnt so much about alcohol addiction. Things feel different this time. I can do this!

Because I am on my own I decided to start this journal-come-blog to document my journey, hold myself accountable, and hopefully feel less alone on what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride.

July is fast approaching and that means Dry July. I feel it is an appropriate time to take my pledge and start my alcohol free life journey. Who knows, I might even start sooner!

E xx

Many thanks to: https://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com