Quit or Die

The cat stirred in the darkness and woke me up. Dragging the blanket back over my shoulder, I rolled over, gradually becaming aware this wasn’t my bed. The cat circled around seeking a new nest and settled right on top of me. After all this was her bed, the sofa.

At 4am it was chilly under the light throw, so I rose to clamber into my own bed, going via the kitchen to drink some much needed water. I was so parched, how much wine did I actually have to drink? The second wine bottle was there staring at me, three quarters empty. I groaned with disbelief, stumbled in the darkness to my bed, and tried to ignore everything and go to sleep.

But I couldn’t.

“This has got to stop. I can’t go on like this, drinking one or more bottles of wine every night. I’m slowly killing myself, yet I really want to live. I don’t want to die young, I have things to to, I want to live a full, adventurous and long life. Not a life drunk on the sofa. I am so ashamed, my husband would be ashamed of me. What have I become?”

I pledge to cut back to ‘normal’ drinking levels, but there is an immediate nagging doubt in the back of my head. I’ve tried before. I’ve tried setting various rules and boundaries with my wine drinking, but can never stick with them for long. There always seems to be an excuse for a another glass of wine. “It’s the end of the working week”, “It’s wine o’clock”, “You’ve been through so much”, You deserve a reward for working so hard in the garden today, wouldn’t it be lovely to sit out on the newly mowed lawn with a glass of Chardonnay and admire your work”. You can probably guess by now it would be unlikely to be just a glass, and more likely to be the whole bottle.

Nobody knows how much I have been guzzling by myself at home. Sure, friends and family see me drink a bit when we go out (a fair bit if I am honest) but they have no idea that it continues every other night, while cooking dinner and watching the telly. Outwardly I appear successful and happy – living a normal life, getting up for work each day, going on weekend adventures. They don’t see behind the scenes. That I am still struggling with grief and drown my sorrows every evening. Am I one of those High Functioning Alcoholics? My heart begins to race at the “A” word and I promise myself that tomorrow will be different.

I am going to be honest with you – this is not the first time this has happened. There have been many nights where I have lain in the dark kicking myself for drinking so much – worrying about my health, my finances. I know I have to face up to my drinking problem eventually. Or I’ll die from it.

Recently something popped up on my Google feed – I can’t even remember what it was now – but the random article linked to a blog titled “Mummy was a Secret Drinker”. Curious, I started reading and discovered, well – myself! My drinking habits closely echoed Sober Mummy’s story, and as I read her posts I gained inspiration and hope. Maybe I can stop drinking like she did.

So, it is official – after several attempts to cut back, I am going to quit drinking completely. I haven’t stopped quite yet as I am in a research phase. I want to do this properly, with the right knowledge and coping strategies so I won’t fail. I have had four alcohol free days this week which is massive progress in the right direction. I am ploughing my way through some incredible books and have learnt so much about alcohol addiction. Things feel different this time. I can do this!

Because I am on my own I decided to start this journal-come-blog to document my journey, hold myself accountable, and hopefully feel less alone on what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride.

July is fast approaching and that means Dry July. I feel it is an appropriate time to take my pledge and start my alcohol free life journey. Who knows, I might even start sooner!

E xx

Many thanks to: https://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com